Short answer: Show up, keep it simple, and be specific. Say you are sorry and that you are thinking of them. Offer a concrete task such as a meal or a ride, not just a general offer. Keep checking in after the funeral, when most people stop. Listen more than you advise.
This page offers general information and cannot replace professional care. If you are in crisis, call or text 988 (US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline).
What can I do that actually helps?
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| Let me know if you need anything | I am bringing dinner Thursday. Is 6 okay? |
| He is in a better place | I am so sorry. I am thinking of you. |
| I know how you feel | I cannot imagine. Tell me about her, if you want to. |
| Calling once after the funeral | A text or call a few weeks later, and on hard dates. |
Our guide on what to say at a funeral has more wording you can use.
- What to say at a funeral
Short phrases for a card or a conversation.
What practical help is welcome?
- Meals, groceries or a gift card for delivery.
- Rides, school pick-ups, pet care.
- Sorting mail or helping with the checklist.
- Sitting with them and not needing to talk.
- Offering to help with paperwork.
What should I avoid?
- Telling them how they should feel or how long it should take.
- Comparing their loss to your own.
- Adding religious ideas unless you know they would welcome them.
- Disappearing after the funeral.
If someone talks about harming themselves
Stay with them, listen without judgment, and help them call or text 988 (US Suicide and Crisis Lifeline). In immediate danger, call 911.
Frequently asked questions
What if I do not know what to say?
Say you are sorry and that you are thinking of them. Silence and presence are fine. Avoid trying to fix or explain.
How long should I keep checking in?
Longer than you might think. Weeks and months after the funeral, and on birthdays, holidays and the anniversary.
Should I bring up the person who has passed?
Usually yes, gently. Many people are glad to hear the name and a memory. Follow their lead.
What happens to social media and digital accounts after someone passes away?
Many online platforms offer ways to memorialize or close an account when the person has passed away, and policies differ from one service to the next. Some require a death certificate and proof of relationship, and some allow a designated legacy contact if the person set one up. Email, cloud storage, and photos may hold important records and memories. What to do: make a list of accounts you know about, check each platform's help page for deceased user requests, download photos and files before closing anything, and avoid accessing accounts in ways that violate the terms of service or state law.
Who needs a certified copy of the death certificate?
Several institutions typically ask for a certified copy of the death certificate, and keeping a list helps you order the right number. Common requests come from life insurance companies, banks, pension and retirement plan administrators, the Social Security Administration, motor vehicle offices, property and title transfers, and brokerage firms. Some will accept a copy for notification only. What to do: make a list of the institutions you must contact, ask each whether they need an original or accept a copy, and keep the certified copies in a labeled folder so you can send them out in order.
What is probate and do I always need it?
Probate is the court-supervised process of validating a will, paying debts, and distributing a person's assets, and not every estate must go through it. Small estates, accounts with named beneficiaries, and jointly held property often pass outside probate, though the thresholds and rules vary by state. Probate can take months or longer depending on the court and the estate. What to do: gather the will and a list of assets, ask the county probate court clerk about local procedures, and consider speaking with an estate attorney. This is general information, not legal advice.
What does an executor do?
An executor, sometimes called a personal representative, is the person named in a will to manage the estate and carry out its instructions. Duties usually include locating the will, notifying beneficiaries and creditors, protecting assets, paying valid debts and taxes, and distributing what remains. The role can take time and careful record keeping. If there is no will, a court usually appoints someone. What to do: keep a log of every task and expense, open an estate account if advised, and consider consulting an attorney. Duties and deadlines vary by state, so confirm local requirements.
How do I notify banks and close accounts after a death?
Begin by contacting each bank with a certified death certificate and asking what they need to retitle or close the accounts. Many banks have a department for deceased accounts and will explain the paperwork. Do not close accounts until you know whether the estate needs them open for bills or deposits. Joint accounts and accounts with named beneficiaries are often handled differently. What to do: make a list of accounts, notify each institution in writing, ask for the process in writing, and consult the estate attorney before paying debts from personal funds.
How do I report a death to Social Security?
Report the death to the Social Security Administration as soon as practical, and the funeral home often does this for you if you provide the person's Social Security number. If you are not sure it was done, call to confirm. Benefits paid for the month of death generally may need to be returned, and a surviving spouse or child may be eligible for survivor benefits or a small lump-sum payment. What to do: call the agency's national number, have a death certificate ready, ask about survivor benefits, and keep a note of the date and the name of the person you spoke with.